ARC Review: If I Disappear

 

I received an ARC of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. This did not affect my opinion of the book or my review itself.

Sera feels lost in the world, and true crime podcasts are what make her feel safe, giving her a sense of control and power she feels nowhere else in her life. So when Rachel, the host of her favorite podcast, seems to vanish completely and without warning, Sera decides this is what she has been training for, and throws herself into the life Rachel left behind. But despite all the clues Sera is convinced Rachel left for her within the episodes, there is still so much Sera doesn't know, and what she doesn't know could add her to the list of vanished women.

Brazier dives deep into views on what it means to be a woman: no one (including the woman herself) knowing where she fits if she isn't a wife and/or a mother, having to constantly be on guard because a woman never knows when someone might want to hurt her, the story that people decide about a woman if she doesn't fit into a typical mold. Even just the seemingly simple act of cooking, serving, and eating dinner becomes a highly heightened experience for the female characters in the story.

Sera is an unreliable narrator to the extreme. She has woven Rachel's podcast so tightly under her skin that not only does she have every word memorized, but her narration is directed to Rachel, who she is convinced she must rescue. Brazier explores the possible role of true crime podcasts to women, as lessons about what to watch out for to keep themselves safe, and what to do if even the most extreme precautions aren't enough.

I struggled sometimes to like Sera, but it felt that, at least to me, that was the point. She is someone completely unmoored, directing her first person narration not at the reader, but at another character. Sera is a character that forces the reader to think about why they respond to her negatively, and what that might mean in a larger context.

As the book continued, I found myself so inside Sera's head that I was on the journey with her, whether or not I trusted her. This forced me to look at every character in the book in a new light, weighing how much about them I could truly know and believe.

The ending gives me chills still just thinking about it. It hits like a storm in the best possible way. I was completely shocked even while in the head of the main protagonist. 

This book doesn't always sit comfortably, which fits perfectly since the world of the story is not a comfortable one. Brazier plays so cleverly with this genre, it is definitely worth giving this book a read.